Olympics Leotard Watch: Points Deducted for Good Taste

Team USA—that hurricane of sparkle motion consisting of Madison Kocian, Gabby Douglas, Laurie Hernandez, Aly Raisman, and Simone Biles—made us proud at the individual apparatus finals this week, bagging six medals, two of them gold. But did their leotards make us proud? Join us, one last time, on a journey of close calls, near misses, immortality, and heartbreak.

A programming note: You may have noticed that our airborne ladies are nearly out of leotards­—that America’s Strategic Leotard Reserve is running low. Over the last few days, they’ve put old leotards back into circulation and swapped outfits amongst themselves. Though U.S. gymnasts performed a collective seven times during the apparatus finals, we saw just two leotards make their Summer Olympics debuts. It is now time for us to give those leotards their due.

The rules, once more, are as follows. Each leotard will be ranked on the five accepted dimensions of leotard personality: functionality, whimsy, majesty, patriotism, and spangliness. A leotard can earn at most two points in each category, for a maximum possible score of 10 points.

First up is Apparatus Finals Leotard No. 1, which competed with Madison Kocian on the bars and with Aly Raisman and Simone Biles on the floor.

Functionality: This is a leotard. As the competition impales itself on swimsuits and Spanx, GK Elite and Under Armour stick with what works. 2/2

Whimsy: With its sweet, translucent coloring and starry arms, Apparatus Finals Leotard No. 1 is working the whimsy. The petite blonde Kocian looks like a scullery maid whose fairy godmother mistook the Royal Ball for a Flag Day ceremony and has yet to attach the skirt. Bippity boppity bars! 1.56/2

Majesty: Don’t be fooled by the confectionary touches: the crystal-studded triangle on the chest, the hydrangea blue. That vee of glossy red points to an Iron Man–esque plasma reactor that powers Biles’ high-flying routines. Heroic! 0.89/2

Patriotism: Definitely red, white, and blue; definitely star-spangled. If Thomas Paine had designed sportswear instead of writing pamphlets, he would have outfitted the Continental Army in Apparatus Finals Leotard No. 1 in advance of the Battle of Yorktown. 1.69/2

Spangliness: Though there are, indeed, a plethora of spangles to be seen here, the crystals create more of a shimmering effect than a shock-and-awe Swarovski explosion. A leotard is no place for subtlety! Points deducted for good taste. 0.67/2

Final Score: 6.81/10

Another strong effort from Team USA, but not quite strong enough to dethrone Raisman Leotard No. 3, the reigning champ. (Raisman Leotard No. 3 also graced Simone Biles on the vault and Laurie Hernandez on the beam.)

Next up: Apparatus Finals Leotard No. 2, as sported by Gabby Douglas on the uneven bars and Simone Biles on the balance beam.

Functionality: This is a leotard. Hurrah! 2/2

Whimsy: The bold black, white, and red hues dial down the fancy here, unless you believe Douglas has sheathed her body in the cast-off skin of a milk snake. 0.31/2

Majesty: Again, the powerful coloring arrests the eye, but the design elements seem a little threadbare. This is essentially a bright red leotard with a mess of glitter on the front. The judges are mimicking McKayla Maroney. 0.57/2

Patriotism: Top scores … if this were the German Empire circa 1871. Otherwise, deductionsville. 0.22/2

Spangliness: Respectable spangle here, but the arrangement is chaotic. GK Elite and Under Armour appear to have spilled some crystals on Biles and tried to pass off the result as some sort of design innovation. Jackson Pollock may approve, but the judges do not. 1.31/2

Final Score: 4.41/10

Ouch! Not how you want to end the competition. But fear not brave, unloved leotard: Four years from now, in Tokyo, maybe you’ll be back in style.

Previously in Olympics Leotard Watch: It Is Sparkly and Looks Like a Flag. But Can It Stick the Landing?; Can You Guess What Country This Leotard Comes From?; The Red, White, and Blue Warrior vs. the Fairy Princess

See more of Slate’s Olympics coverage.