Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voice mail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Mallory Ortberg: Hi, everyone! Let’s dive in.
Q. Getting bi?: I came out to my parents as gay about four months ago. My father was and remains supportive—his reaction was a shrug and “So what? We love you and want you to be in a healthy relationship. We don’t care with whom.” My mother panicked and has gone into full denial about my sexuality since then. She’s told me repeatedly that she doesn’t think I’m a lesbian—that I’m bisexual and just need to do more therapy to accept that part of myself. My first sexual experience as a young teen was nonconsensual and violent; my parents know about it, and it’s become the sticking point for why my mother thinks I’m bi. It’s always really shocking and hurtful when she brings it up out of the blue, as the rape is not something I like to think or talk about. She brings it up a lot, and I often dread talking to her because of it. I’ve told her that the comments are hurtful, and she seems to take my words to heart until the next time she does it. But what if she’s right, and I just need to go back to therapy? My question is this: Could I be denying part of my sexuality because of this? And does it matter? I think I could be happy just dating women, but this seed has been planted in me, and I’m not sure what to do.
A: I’ve reread your letter several times to make sure I’m understanding your situation. It sounds like your mother is suggesting the fact that you were once raped by a man means you must be attracted to men now or that you won’t “allow” yourself to experience attraction to any man because you can’t distinguish between any of them and the man who once assaulted you, which practically beggars belief. For anyone—let alone your own mother—to say this once is horrifying. To say it repeatedly is grounds for estrangement. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that your mother would try to throw your own violation in your teeth as evidence that you cannot know your own sexuality. I cannot possibly overstate how morally repugnant your mother’s current behavior is. What she has said is unconscionable, and “hurtful” barely scratches the surface. I can understand why you dread talking to her. I think you should stop entirely, at least until she can meet the following condition: “Mom, if you insist on telling me that because a man raped me I must secretly be attracted to men now, we’re not going to be able to talk. It’s an awful violation that reminds me of one of the most painful times in my life, and suggests that I don’t know my own mind just because someone once sexually assaulted me.” I also think you should go back to therapy but not because I think you should try to recover your “hidden” bisexuality. I think you should see a therapist to help you figure out how best to set boundaries against a parent who insists on defining you by the terrible violation you once suffered.
Q. Fishy behavior by friend: My good friend “Katie” has recently gone MIA, and I cannot figure out what to do. We have been friends for five years, spent several weekends a month together, and have traveled together, and I know her family. It all started after I got engaged six months ago; she slowly started to pull back to the point that now she does not respond to texts, and the few times we made plans, she canceled last minute with bogus excuses. But it is not just me: She stopped volunteering at the place we volunteer together, and she won’t respond to texts sent by other friends. A mutual friend recently sent her a birthday card with a hefty gift certificate in it and did not receive a response. He also did not receive a response to his text asking if she received it. She ignored my own “happy birthday” text. I know she was upset, as she was hoping to get a particular job but did not, but I am concerned. I don’t know if she is very depressed or if it is me, and I cannot get her in my presence or on the phone to discuss it. Do I reach out to her family? I have asked her what is wrong via text, and she just says she is “burned out.” I don’t want to be a bad friend, and I want to help her if she is in need of help, but I also feel as though she is being very rude. What do you suggest?
A: She’s definitely behaving oddly, but I think you should resist taking it personally, as difficult as that may seem right now. Her withdrawal is universal, not specific, and while you don’t know for certain that this recent disappointment is the sole cause, it’s clear that she’s unwilling or unable to respond to things that used to bring her joy. She is not enjoying her isolation and does not appear to be deriving pleasure from cutting people out of her life, which suggests at least the possibility that she feels helpless about her condition. If she is depressed—which seems extremely likely—responding in anger or frustration will only serve to further this isolation. Whatever it is, if you’ve been friends for years and have otherwise found her reliable, trustworthy, and communicative, she deserves the benefit of the doubt, and you should reach out in sympathy rather than tell her off for her rudeness. If she’s not responding to texts, consider calling. Whatever the medium, tell her that you’re worried about her, that you’re here to listen whenever she wants to talk, and that you care about her. You can’t fix her or force her into treatment (if depression is indeed what she’s facing), but you can do more than withdraw from her in return.
Q. A messy situation: My dad recently gained a lot of weight in a small amount of time. A new issue has arisen based on this issue. It appears that he can no longer tell where he is pointing his member. He stayed with me this past weekend. As the guest bathroom is so rarely used, I went in there to check the small garbage can and realized that the tile all around the toilet had been urinated on. It was disgusting, and I immediately wanted to vomit, especially when I realized it was all over the bath mat as well. He is a very sensitive man, and I am having a hard time deciding how to approach this conversation.
A: No one is too sensitive to clean up his own piss. Unless your father is physically incapable of cleaning the floor (in which case you should do your best to prepare for and accommodate him during visits), I don’t think his weight is a relevant factor here. It is not a question of size to check the floor to see if one has accidentally urinated on it. Tell him frankly that he left a mess in your guest bathroom and that in the future you’d appreciate it if he cleaned up after himself. There’s no need to bring his weight into the conversation, but there’s also no need to delicately evade the issue in order to preserve his feelings.
Q. Telling the truth or something else?: I’ve been dating a guy for several months, and I’m unsure whether I’m being overly sensitive to his tendency to state the truth as blunt fact or whether he is edging toward emotional abuse. For instance, during a conversation about the future of our relationship, he was saying things like, “You know, you’ve been with a lot of guys, and you’ve got student loan debt” as some of my negative traits—both are true. He was using the above as justification that I should act more appreciative of him and our relationship. I don’t think he was trying to hurt my feelings, but I’m still raw from what he says and how he says it. Your thoughts with this?
A: Dump him. Anyone who tries to make you feel like he’s the only person who is “gracious” enough to date you because you’re somehow “damaged” by having slept with other people in the past or because—like millions of Americans—you have student loan debt deserves to be dumped immediately and unceremoniously. You are not a romantic charity project he’s generously decided to take on; you’re a human being. He’s not edging toward emotional abuse. He’s offering a textbook example of emotional abuse, and he absolutely was trying to hurt your feelings. He was trying to make you feel so unworthy and flawed that you considered yourself lucky that he would love you, which is a monstrous act of cruelty. Put as much time and distance between yourself and him as you possibly can.
Q. Friend, co-worker, or neither?: A year or so ago, I helped a friend get a job at my work by passing her résumé along to my boss. When I did so, I mentioned that I thought she might be a good fit, but as we had a personal relationship, I didn’t want to be involved in any of her interviews and that if she was not selected, that was OK. Not too long after she started, I began hearing from my other co-workers that she wasn’t following procedures and was openly watching TV at her desk. While I agreed this was a problem, I pointed out that I was not her supervisor, nor did I have anything to do with her training, so these issues would be things to first address with her, then escalate to her manager if they continued to be a problem.
A few months later, I was unexpectedly laid off. It was a big blow to me and took me completely by surprise. However, my friend still works at the company and wants to hang out all the time and talk about work! I have outright said, “Hey, could we not talk about that?” But it’s like she can’t stop. She just goes on and on about how hard work is and how she feels she’s being mistreated. She’s even mentioned that she sits at my old desk multiple times. I feel intensely resentful of her in light of what I know about her work habits and am very frustrated by the fact that she repeatedly ignores my requests to stop discussing something that is painful to me, so I have essentially stopped hanging out with her. However, I keep getting sad messages from her, and I feel guilty. What do I do?
A: If she’s sad about not seeing you, she has the power to change her situation. You asked her not to talk about work constantly in front of you when you got together—you didn’t ban the subject outright. She refused and continued to chatter nonstop about work in front of someone who’d recently been laid off. Even if you hadn’t worked at the same office, it would have been remarkably insensitive to make work (and especially complaints about work) the primary topic of conversation over and over again. Her sadness is entirely of her own making. You asked her to consider changing the subject in consideration of your feelings, she refused, and now you’re taking space. Her sadness is not your problem. What she is really sad about, I suspect, is losing the opportunity to remind you of just how good she has it. Focus your energy on finding a better job elsewhere and on the (hopefully more) supportive friendships you have with others.
Q. He gets around: I have been dating a guy who doesn’t seem to want a relationship or any kind of monogamy, which is fine by me. The problem is that I am constantly hearing gossip about misogynistic comments he made to his ex and his history of cheating on her. I would like to talk about this with him so I’m not constantly thinking about it and weighing his every action as evidence for and against the gossip. Is there a graceful way to mention to someone that you have heard horrible things about him? Especially in this case where the rumors are likely true yet don’t exactly concern me or what I want from this guy.
A: I’m not sure how much you’ll be able to get out of someone who doesn’t want a relationship. Even casual, nonmonogamous sex is a relationship, after a kind, and it sounds like he might think he doesn’t owe honesty or respect to his sex partners as long as he doesn’t call himself their “boyfriend,” which makes me think you could, and should, date someone better for you. There are loads of kind, communicative, considerate people interested in nonmonogamy out there—why not try one of them? You don’t even offer the usual mitigating, “He’s great, but … ” in your letter—the only information you provide me about him is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and that a lot of people seem to think he’s said terrible things about his ex. I suspect you don’t think much of his character, because if you did, you’d be less inclined to give this gossip the weight you have.
But let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that he has a lot of good qualities too, and you’d like to provide him with the opportunity to answer the charges. I think you should be honest about the fact that this gossip is unfounded but that it troubles you, and you’ve heard it “constantly,” and you want to know if there’s any truth to it. Be specific, if possible, not about whom you’ve spoken to but about what they’ve described. What have you heard he’s called her? What actions concern you the most? What answers could he give you that would reassure you? What do you want from him? And could you maybe be getting it from someone else?
Q. Should I mention she forgot to pay me back?: My much younger cousin (she’s in her mid-20s) was just visiting for a few weeks from another country. She’s a student and doesn’t have much money (that said, she’s got a few thousand dollars saved), but her parents are very well-off and always help her happily and will pay for her school. Nonetheless, money is a very big deal for her, and she talks about not having any or not knowing how to manage it a lot. While she was staying with us, she never paid for any groceries but did help out around the house and with the kids. I was OK with that. She’s a very pleasant person. On several occasions, she asked me to order a few things for her on Amazon, since she doesn’t have a Prime account. I did, and she always paid me back, until the last one, which had two parts, about $100 together. She mentioned a couple of times that she’ll pay me, but then I believe she just forgot. When she left, she said she left money for me on the table (I was not home). There was only $20 there, and I realized she forgot about the first, and more expensive part of the order (about $80). I see three options: mention it to her; drop it—it is what it is; or mention it and then say not to worry about it, consider it a goodbye gift. What do you think I should do?
A: None of these are bad options. Since you already seem fairly resigned to losing the money, I think you should mention it, because that way if she does finish paying you back, it will be a pleasant surprise rather than a point of contention. Your cousin does not sound unusually thoughtless for a twentysomething whose parents have deep pockets, and $80 is not going to make or break her financially. Remind her of the other two purchases, and in the future, feel free to say “no” if she asks you to order things on her behalf.
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